Sunday, July 5, 2009

Fireworks

Asparagus Therapy is 4 tablespoons of cooked blenderized asparagus 2x per day for three months. When I told my hospice nurse, Beau, about it today he said, Hell I'd try that too.
It turns out that Beau is the second half of BeauJo, as in BeauJo's pizza in Colorado. Jo is his wife. They owned the little pizza joint for years and then sold it to some younger kid. I ate there when I lived in Fort Collins. I asked Beau if he ever made the pizza at home anymore and he said Sometimes. He laughed. It's pretty good pizzza.
The he changed the dressing on my Pic line IV site and helped me drain my PleurX catheter.

I was in the hospital for about 11 days. I contemplated staying there. Burrowing into the manual hospital bed and gluing my hand to the remote control so I could watch the Lifetime channel and new shows about gymnasts the whole day through. It seemed like it could go down this way, with me just melting into the weird white sheets and the bally textured blanket.
But it turned out I missed my stuff. I missed the little herbs I had just planted in old kitchen drawers and I missed my little daughter's feet barrelling out onto the backporch, jumprope dragging along. I missed my husband's look of exasperation.
Deciding that though the immunotherapy didn't seem to be working and though my body was too weak for any more chemO that probably wouldn't work any, that I could still be Hopeful. That I had some writing and teaching left to do and that I couldn't teach my daughter anything with my hand stuck to the remote at the Hospital. And that it was weird and kind of awful being constantly around these people who stick needles in me and ask me constantly How's yer Pain? and give me advice bout moving my bowels, these people who I Don't Know who are possibly getting to see the last glimpses of me. Having decided all these things, I discovered I could still be Hopeful.
I could try Asparagus Therapy and Go Home.

So here I am in the little Garden Room, looking out into my backyard. We had friends down from Seattle this weekend. For several past years, we have spent time watching fireworks on the pier of Jami's folks lake house. Jens and Scott spent good amounts of time at Boom City picking out a plethera of dynamic fireworks to dazzle us with. Upon arriving back, they would find the kids running around with sweatshirts over bathing suits, hairtips still wet from the day, and marshmallow sticks in hands. Us with vodka frescas and blankets ready in big chairs. Then off the show would go on the pier - big booms and sprays with a backdrop of fireworks shows from all over the lake.
This year was different. Jens and Jami and Marley came down here. They did get to see some fireworks at Mt. Tabor, but nothing like the display on the pier from Boom City.
I listened to the fireworks from my Garden Room.
But because of all of the love around here - the visitors and nonstop parade of sheer love (as cheesy as it sounds) - I did not feel left out.
As Luka ran out the door and tossed back a quick Bye Mom quite hurriedly, I did not panic. I turned to my little notebook and thought about all of the things I could still teach her. I washed up and hung a new piece of art to look at in the Garden Room with my two savior girlfriends.
I am making peace. I am making it work. I am hopeful.
I am eating 4 tbs of asparagus 2x per day and visualizing Boom City Fireworks next year on the pier.
I am not giving up.

7 comments:

  1. Julie,

    It is so Damn Great to see your post, to see that you are writing again. I have been checking everyday hoping for some new communication from you.

    It's so wonderful to know that you are still here with us, still determined, still hopeful, still you. You teach me so much...you teach me to appreciate everyday, to slow down, to breathe, to enjoy the little things, to embrace life...life is so precious, your life is so precious.

    Hey, guess what? I had a dream about you, Scott and Luka just the other day. You were running, laughing and playing tag in this grassy field that was covered in those little ground daisies. You ran until you all fell exhausted into a happy heap. You and Luka started making daisy chains while Scott laid next to you with his head in your lap! Hope it doesn't sound to weird that I was having a dream about you all! HA! Totally G rated, promise! hee hee I thought it was pretty sweet and a bit cheesy and I just wanted you to know about it. I don't usually dream about stuff like this so it seemed important to share.

    I thought about you again first thing this morning as I was having coffee in my backyard, enjoying my garden. We have a huge lavendar bush that is home to many buzzing bees, we have hummingbirds that swoop so close you can hear their wings as they stop abruptly to drink nectar from the feeders that they have grown to expect will always be full and these beautiful, delicate white butterflies that were flittering and fluttering and dancing so sweetly. This is when I thought of you...emerging from your cocoon into this bright beautiful day. So seeing that you wrote today was so cool!

    One thing I love to do is share my garden space with my friends and I have not had a chance to do that with you yet. You, Randie and I need to have a big girl playdate in my back yard while our girls have there's! We'll drink tea, chit chat about our girls and other stuff and tell a few sick jokes...I'm terrible at remembering jokes but I have a feeling you and Randie know a few, don't cha! I consider myself a joke appreciater since I am terrible at delivery.

    I just want you to know I've wanted to bring you by a huge bunch of lavendar from my garden since you got home from the hospital. I think of it everyday but I hold back...I just feel so acutely aware that you have so much infront of you to do and that all your time and energy needs to be focused on the tasks at hand. I am a bit co dependent, can ya tell? But in this moment I've already decided to do a drive by and drop on the front stoop deal...so be watching for the lavendar in the next day or two. I want you to see, touch and smell it...for me there is nothing quite like it...it got me through my labor big time!

    I know I am rambling but it just feels so good to be talking to you knowing you are still connecting with all of us.

    I am so glad that you have the family and friend network that you have...I'm not surprised in the least....

    HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY TO YOU!

    xo Melissa

    PS Willow is really jonesing for a play date with Luka...so whenever she's free let us know!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love you both and consider myself lucky as hell to call you, Julie, and you, Melissa, friends.

    Heart rock love,

    Randie

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hugs and prayers for you right now. Although we are far away at the moment, I am thinking of you!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Jules. It's so good to "hear your voice". So glad too that you got sprung from the hospital. You are in Don and my prayers each day and we're thinking of you constantly. Thanks for sharing your strength and determination. You are truly an inspiration.
    Much love, Aunt Molly

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Julie,
    It was so great to click on your website today and read your newest entry! Thank you for sharing your thoughts...you are an amazing woman with so much to teach all of us.

    We pray for your continued strength and determination.

    Love, Sandy and Hayes

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey Julie... I've been thinking about you a lot ... even more than usual because Angie and Brendan are coming home in 3 weeks. I've been in her bedroom trying to get things back in order, when, what did I find, but a children's picture book! I couldn't figure out where it could have come from until I remembered ... oh yeah...Luka! My next thought was, I really need to get a real double bed in here for when Julie and Scott come again, my attempt at having a real bed for them was so lame. Scott said he wanted to come to the east coast every other year. You skipped last year(Wisconsin prevailed), but maybe next year. I promise to have a real double bed for you and lots of books for Luka. You guys are the last legitimate "company" we've had visit. No one else is brave enough. So, until you come again, maybe no one will be brave enough to visit us! We'll just wait for you.
    We will be coming to Seattle on from Aug. 13-20. Kendra's best friend from high school is getting married. We plan to come see you for a visit if you are up to such a thing. It can be daunting for even the strongest of spirits!
    I'm hopeful, too.
    Until the next time, I send love and strength to all of you. Love, Nancy

    ReplyDelete
  7. that's crazy about BeauJo's! Aaron totally remembers that place, too.
    so happy to read a new post from you. We'll be seeing you real soon...

    ReplyDelete