Friday, January 16, 2009

pop pop pop

Today I walked down to work in the sunny fresh air and imagined my little cancer cells going pop pop pop.  I don't know if this is the sound it would make when they die, desinegrate, disappear, but it is how I imagine it sounds.  As though the insides of my body can hear the little pops echoing, and are cheering and chanting wonderful shouts of victory.  Imagery and visualization are supposed to help, so pop pop pop.

Tomorrow my Luka girl is coming back from Wisconsin.  It was hard for me to leave her there - even for only 5 days - but I knew it would be better for her to be playing Uno and eating mini waffles with her 3 cousins, my sister and her husband, then to be here trying to figure out what is happening.  On the night I left, I was putting her to bed and she was having trouble going to sleep.  She was mostly scared of a bat coming in (there had been a bat in the house when she slept there with her cousins in the summer).  I told her bats don't come around in the winter and to remember to be brave like Mulan.  She said,"But mom, Mulan in REAlly brave."  

When I came up to check on her, she was still awake.  She said there was a bug on the wall and things making noises.  I found the bug - a lady bug - and showed it too her.  Then I sat with her and talked about all the different sounds houses make.  The next time I came to check, she was asleep.

At night, I do yoga to keep my body strong while chemo tries to destroy it.  It's kind of annoying to eat raw veggies and choke down green juices and water and supplements and do yoga and walk and still feel kind of crappy.  But I feel ok.  I feel like, yes, I can do this.  I'm not too nauseous, just as though the flu is just coming on, but not quite there.  I can get up and eat and drink water and fix Luka's lunch and take her to school and greet the other kids, teachers, and parents, and not let her know exactly how difficult these things are. 


  1. pop pop pop is magnificent! I will join your popping imagery! Your tenacity maintains an uneven balance on your side in the fight. I love your winning spirit! Thanks again for the journal, Julie. Sending you love always, Nancy

  2. Jules,
    Luka is on her way back home. Although she had a great time here--two snow days, bat fear, ladybugs and all--she couldn't wait to get home and celebrate her dad's birthday with you. Remember how resilient kids are, Julie. Luka is strong enough to go through this with you and she will hold your hand while you walk her into school and she will eat her sandwich with the crust cut off. And when you hear her belly laugh when she lays down a "draw four," she won't need to remind you to laugh too, because you won't be able to help it.
    You CAN do this. And when doubt sneaks up on you, remember how many people are here to hold you up. With love and a million hugs, Ang

  3. hey jules, i love the journal and look forward to every new entry. Following along with you helps with our journey with Sammy. Maybe he is feeling some of the things you are feeling. Keep up your fighting spirit - you know thats half the battle. We're with you all the way!!! Much love, Sue and Mike

  4. Oh Julie,
    It's been a while but doesn't feel so long.
    I'm channeling love from Boise.

  5. Julie, Jake and I are with you in spirit and we know you are a fighter...our money is on you..Pat

  6. Hi Julie, I'm a distant cousin from New Orleans, Pat Higg can relay the related chain. :-) Just wanted to let you know you have family in the south thinking of you and praying for you! Our family has suffered with this disease forever, and we're survivors. If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it!!

  7. Hi, Julie, Mel is my youngest daughter, Melissa. I think your blog is great not only for us to know how you are doing, but also for you. Years ago when I needed something more than medicine writing about what I was going through turned out to be the best medicine ever. Your writing takes us in the room with you and I hope you can feel all the prayers that are being sent your way. Still enjoy all the fabulous New York birthday trip pictures.
    Hope, Faith and Love, Your New Orleans cousin Kay