pop pop pop

Today I walked down to work in the sunny fresh air and imagined my little cancer cells going pop pop pop.  I don't know if this is the sound it would make when they die, desinegrate, disappear, but it is how I imagine it sounds.  As though the insides of my body can hear the little pops echoing, and are cheering and chanting wonderful shouts of victory.  Imagery and visualization are supposed to help, so pop pop pop.

Tomorrow my Luka girl is coming back from Wisconsin.  It was hard for me to leave her there - even for only 5 days - but I knew it would be better for her to be playing Uno and eating mini waffles with her 3 cousins, my sister and her husband, then to be here trying to figure out what is happening.  On the night I left, I was putting her to bed and she was having trouble going to sleep.  She was mostly scared of a bat coming in (there had been a bat in the house when she slept there with her cousins in the summer).  I told her bats don't come around in the winter and to remember to be brave like Mulan.  She said,"But mom, Mulan in REAlly brave."  

When I came up to check on her, she was still awake.  She said there was a bug on the wall and things making noises.  I found the bug - a lady bug - and showed it too her.  Then I sat with her and talked about all the different sounds houses make.  The next time I came to check, she was asleep.

At night, I do yoga to keep my body strong while chemo tries to destroy it.  It's kind of annoying to eat raw veggies and choke down green juices and water and supplements and do yoga and walk and still feel kind of crappy.  But I feel ok.  I feel like, yes, I can do this.  I'm not too nauseous, just as though the flu is just coming on, but not quite there.  I can get up and eat and drink water and fix Luka's lunch and take her to school and greet the other kids, teachers, and parents, and not let her know exactly how difficult these things are.