Friday, January 2, 2009


Can't I just use a whole bunch of Vic's Vapor Rub?  Castor oil on my chest?  What if I just drank a whole bottle of Robitussin?  Would that make it go away?
I'm still waiting for the results of the MRI.  I figure no news is good news.  Today it snowed again.  I wonder why I'm always bombarded with heavy health news during extreme winter storms.  Last year my first appointment at the awful Hospital on the Hill was cancelled because my doctor could not shovel her way out of her driveway.  It was the first appointment with the oncologist after they discovered the cervical cancer.  I said to the receptionist, "Does she want me to come pick her up?  Because I can, you know."  Where was Doc Baker?  He could make it through a blizzard in a horsedrawn carriage and show up in time to save a pioneer woman from dying during childbirth.
When I first had chest pains and went to the hospital this year the Sunday before Xmas, there was about 8 inches of snow in Portland.  Some guy was blocking the emergency entrance with his SUV door while he wiped off his windshield.  I rolled down my window and asked him to close his door so we could get through.  He said, "I ain't closin shit, bitch." I said, "Cool.  I'm going to the Emergency Room, so thanks.  Thanks for your help," and he started walking toward me with his coffee cup.  He was big and bald.  Scott drove around him while almost knocking his door down.  There was lots of snow and ice.
I like my new doctor, Dr. L mostly because he was at the hospital during the big storm.  He apparently did not have trouble shovelling his driveway, or maybe he took the bus.  In any event, he was there and he ordered the tests and he found the cancer in my lung.  I have this feeling he would have called me (even though he isn't in the clinic on Fridays) if the results of the MRI showed anything weird on my lumbar spine or in the soft tissues of my neck.  It was last Friday he called me to tell me about malignancy in my lung.
He said, "Well, I it isn't what we thought.  It's cancer."
I said, "I knew it."
        And he said, "YOU knew it?"  And I liked how he said that for some reason.

I'm going to move the little gingerbread couple off our front stoop later today because the little gingerbread woman keeps falling and landing on her face at the bottom of the steps.  
I'm trying to organize my house because apparently that gives cancer people a sense of control over their surroundings, which is important when your insides are out of control.  The organization process is going pretty well (to my standards) except I don't have matching socks on and that is bugging me today.  I did a big load of laundry and washed a bunch of socks, but all the matches are in the other load.  Hopefully, I can sort this out later today, but when I keep wearing mismatched socks, it gets harder and harder to wash matching socks at the same time.
I took my 5 year old daughter and her 6 year old friend to see the Three Stooges movie marathon at clinton street theatre yesterday.  I knew her friend would mention something about our messy car.  The first thing she said  in the car was "why is your car so messy?"  Then she said, "why is there a coffee cup on your front lawn?"  "Why not?" I said.
Like I said, the organization process is going pretty well (to my standards).
What about Nyquil cold and cough mixed with pomegranate juice?  Like gallons of it.  Would that work?

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